BUFFY COMICS: FINALLY, A DEFINITIVE RANKING OF RUPERT GILES COVER ISSUES
The listicle that the mainstream media is too afraid to publish
This week I opened up a box of beloved Buffy The Vampire Slayer comic books to discover they had been damaged by damp, the pages all crinkled in their plastic sleeves like stale crisps.
I tried not to get too upset about the books because they did have notably-bad man Joss Whedon’s name all over them. Maybe it was good they’d been destroyed by condensation! Then I remembered that the comics live in the same flat as my lungs.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F629780ee-813e-4f68-b3a2-67d84a2145d2_1385x1824.jpeg)
The upshot is, seeing my extensive, if sodden, collection of Buffy memorabilia reminded me that since I started this newsletter, readers have been INUNDATING me with messages, BEGGING me to write one particular article.
“Please Zoë,” they cry, “I only subscribed to your emails in the hope you would one day cram this fucked up listicle into my inbox like an unsolicited menu for a new pizza place which looks shady but from which you will nevertheless eventually order out of a twin desire for cheese and annihilation.”
Okay, fine. Since you insist, this week I’m putting aside urgent leftist provocations against planet-obliterating cybercapitalism and focussing on what really matters:
THE TOP 5 HORNIEST RUPERT GILES COVER ISSUES*
*That I own
We’ve all reluctantly participated in discussions about the objectification of women in superhero franchises. So it’s 100% fine for me to write this article about smokin’ hot comicbook representations of Buffy’s father-figure-cum-librarian (steady) Rupert Giles. In fact, it’s good feminism, and definitely not weird.
If you’re not familiar with the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show (1997-2003), it’s about a teenage girl who has been named her generation’s Slayer. In this role, the eponymous Buffy has a sacred duty to kill vampires and – as the writers valiantly struggle towards episode 50 and beyond – a series of other, increasingly obscure supernatural monsters.
Rupert Giles is her “Watcher”, which is halfway between a dad and a guy who does all your exposition. Essentially, Giles is her mentor, and his cover story is that he works as the school librarian.
Played with wit and affection by English actor Anthony Stewart Head (who, trivia alert, was cast before anyone else in the series), Giles is constantly described as a “fuddy duddy”, by which we are to understand: an emasculated representation of the fading power of the British empire.
In short, if you’re a nerd girl (AKA anyone of any gender who watches Buffy), Buffy’s sexy-vampire love interests can’t hold a candle to this tweed-clad Freudian archetype who gets embarrassed by people flirting with him.
Understandably, there’s a lot of interest in the character.
The following horny comics span over 20 years, from the Dark Horse tie-ins with the original TV series, to the 2020s Boom! Comics reboot. I’ve restricted the list to comics I own, mostly to reassure myself that I don’t possess more than 5 which fit the bill. (I do).
HANG ON, IF SOME OF THESE COMICS WERE PUBLISHED RECENTLY, WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE FOR OWNING THEM?
At the start of 2020 I got massively back into Buffy when I bought the DVDs to show my partner. He reluctantly concedes that he is also now completely obsessed with the series.
Luckily, as a screenwriter, watching 144 episodes of something, and 110 episodes of its absolutely crap spin-off, is at least tax deductible. It’s for work, you see! And the official script books? I need them, to learn about narrative structure! And the 1:16 scale limited edition hand-painted Rupert Giles figurine? That’s just something a normal woman would own! No please, don’t put me in the van!
I could write a long newsletter about how much I improved my writing by studying the Buffy script books, or how my exploration of Buffy’s Tumblr fan culture helped me write an award-winning script, or a deep-dive into how the Buffy-Giles relationship is the emotional heart of the series.
But this isn’t about any of that. It’s about the utterly unhinged comics I own.
THE LIST
5: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: GILES, (DARK HORSE, 2000)
This is the lowest possible effort comic cover, but we’re not complaining. Dark Horse Comics know what women want: an unthreatening middle-aged librarian pouting like an anime schoolgirl. Horniness rating: 🍆/5
4: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, SEASON 11, GILES: GIRL BLUE, ISSUE 1, VARIANT COVER C (DARK HORSE, 2018)
The tousled hair. The dimly lit library. The, uh… ok, genuinely unsure what the tentacle thing is, probably better not to ask. What I can tell you is that this 2018 mini-series is about Giles being turned into a horny teenager and getting sent back to high school. I don’t recall any plot details, but I do remember it made me cringe so hard my skin turned inside out. Horniness rating: 🍆🍆/5
3: ANGEL & FAITH, SEASON 9, NO. 10, WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE (DARK HORSE, 2012)
Right. What the fuck. The title. The facial expressions. The fact that those are his aunts (Lavinia and Sophronia) who raised him, and yes, they are sisters not lovers. If it’s possible to get sexually harassed by a drawing, this is it.
Like being cornered at the bar by an accountant who says you remind him of his wife 20 years ago. Horniness rating: 🍆🍆🍆/5, and not in a good way.
2: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, ISSUE 3, KEVIN WADA VARIANT COVER, (BOOM!, 2018)
Flashing the forearms by candlelight? The sluttiest thing a man can do. Horniness rating: 🍆🍆🍆🍆/5.
1: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, ISSUE 1, COMICSPRO VARIANT COVER, (BOOM!, 2019)
CW: Before you scroll down, be warned that this is simply an unnecessary level of horniness.
Her blush. His use of the “sure, I can teach you to play guitar, just let me put my arms fully around you” pick-up method perfected by introverts the world over.
Yes, the painting is deftly done. But was it strictly necessary?
Also, important to note that Willow’s hair and outfit seem to be a specific reference to an episode (S04E18) where grown-up Willow sees Giles playing the guitar, and says this about her former high school librarian:
And yes, it’s the comic cover that’s weird, not me for instantly knowing that. Horniness rating: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆/5
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MISSED THE FIRST TWO? READ HERE:
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