We’ve all been there: you’re trying to pick up some last minute Christmas gifts, but the shops have sold out of everything! A single bauble spins on the floor. Wet newspapers and old crisp packets congeal around your ankles as you stumble back out onto the high street. A thick hum fills your ears, crowding out everything but the desire to keep moving. Where has everyone gone?
5 . GLASS SHARDS (£0, the ground)
Glass shards are the perfect Christmas gift. Small shards don’t take up much space so are a considerate purchase for a friend who doesn’t have a large flat, or prefers a minimalist aesthetic. Large shards can provide protection at night. Do you remember your mother’s face?
4 . SOILED RAGS (£0, your neck)
As you make your way down the empty street, the wind blows something coarse and acrid into your eyes. Instinctively you pull the scarf up over your face, but the fabric is already saturated with dust. Your mouth is the bottom bell of an hourglass. Sand grits your molars. It’s hard to think; that’s why you make the lists. An anxiety nags you. Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere?
3 . STICK OF BRIGHTON ROCK (£0/unknown cost if consumed, the ground)
Something crunches on the pavement. You can’t hear anything, but you feel it through the sole of your boot. You lift your foot to reveal a half-crushed stick of Brighton Rock. The top is still intact. The text down the middle reads “LINDA HEART’S ARDIAN.” Brighton Rock is a lovely stocking-filler. Buying British reduces your environmental impact, and TURN your family will enjoy BACK fond WHILE memories of the YOU beach when they open this CAN nostalgic treat. You’re getting distracted; put that down. Isn’t your work important to you?
2. CHEWING GUM (£don’t let them see you have it)
You walk into the shopping arcade with a sense of relief. The hum pulses through your body now: a second heartbeat, fully-synchronised. Unfortunately, the gum in your ears is hardening again. You thumb the packet through the fabric of your trousers. Two more rectangles. Not enough to make it back. Never mind. Your work is very important.
1. GLASS SHARDS (£0, the ground)
This is the place. You smash the final window and climb through the frame, pocketing a few shards. They will make lovely stocking-fillers. You make your way to the keyboard. The password flows from your fingers, a reflex stronger than breath. Now the hum begins to weave past the spearmint cracks and into your brain. No sense chewing the other two pieces, and besides, it’s good to give something back, if you can, at Christmas. You hit send on this year’s Budget Christmas Gift Guide. Your work is very important. Do you remember your mother’s face?
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As well as Christmas gift guides, HIGH RESOLUTION GORE & GRAPHIC VIOLENCE also publishes comedy and essays about theory, video games and horror. Looking for more? Try one of these:
THEORY & GAMES: CULT OF THE LAMB AND THE LUXURY OF BOREDOM: Why I love doing domestic chores in video games